I expect these things because I've done this before...

People keep asking me what my expectations are…

I expect to put down roots. I expect to make friends. I expect to have a deeper understanding of God and His people.

In all of our trainings they told us that our expectations probably won't come true, so in my naïveté, I tried not to have them. But that probably wasn't the healthiest way to think because I will always have hidden expectations that come to the surface later. Instead of pushing our expectations to the side they had us look for the expectations that we don't think of right away when someone asks, but the ones that are more abstract. They told us to prepare ourselves of the possibility that some will come true, but some won't. And that's okay.

I’ve done this before so I know...

I expect we’ll all get sick. Many times. I expect I'll be disoriented for awhile. I expect I’ll get lost in a new city. I expect the car will stall because I'm learning to drive a stick shift. I expect unbearable heat.

I expect to have meltdowns at my kids. I expect my kids will have meltdowns because they want to see their grandparents, friends, and cousins. I expect to worry too much. I expect to be too anxious. I expect to have a period of time where I keep to my house. I expect to have breakdowns in the shower wondering why I came. I expect to get angry about little things that aren't the same as home. I expect to scream at my husband. I expect to feel exhaustion of my body, my mind, and my soul. I expect to cry. Alot. I expect feeling helpless.

I expect to cry out to God with a heart full of sadness and one ready to give up.

I expect it won’t be pretty.

But I also expect beauty. I expect answered prayers of deep friendships. I expect new kinds of flowers. I expect a fullness in God mixed with the brokenness in my heart. I expect new, delicious foods. I expect purpose. I expect to love deeply the people around me. I expect to love their culture.

I expect that some of my expectations will come true and I expect some of them won't.

I expect these things because I've done this before. I've spent nights crying in my bed feeling homesick. I've spent showers crying out to God feeling helpless and broken. I've spent days, not wanting to go anywhere and see the beauty around me because of depression. I’ve spent weeks being too anxious to do anything alone or try anything new because of culture shock. I have had meltdowns where I scream at my husband or where I cry at him and he shows me grace and love that I feel like I don't deserve. I’ve been angry about little cultural differences. I have eaten only rice for weeks because I just missed the food my mom made or my grandma's home cooked meals. I've had the feeling of being too exhausted after weeks of night shift to get up and explore the city and find the beauty in a new place. I've watched my kids cry over the fact that they can't see their grandparents in real life after a video chat. I have cried out to God feeling defeated and helpless and sad. I have had the feeling of being lost in a sea full of people in a big city, before I've found my bearings. I've been frustrated while learning how to drive a scooter before. I have even journeyed for hours trying to find my passport in a foreign country.

And I have seen answered prayers of deep friends. I have seen my children form bonds that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. I have spoken words, and sentences, and had conversations in a new language and I've been understood. I have embraced the beauty of new types of flowers. I have wandered on a bike exploring new places. I have hiked new mountains, through tea fields and on dry ground, and seen immeasurable beauty. I have eaten strange foods that I've grown to love. I have felt purpose in the simplicity of rocking a child, not-my-own, back to sleep at 4am in a foreign land. I have had purpose in watching a mother meet her son for the first time, a son whom I have already cared for and she has already prayed for, for months on end. I have loved deeply a place where I have loved and at the same time been broken. I have fallen in love with a place and its people before.

I’ve had expectations before and I expect that in 10 years I'll look back and see how you can fall in love with new places over and over and over again. And I anticipate the sorrows and the joys that will come.