Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds – Book Review

While reading Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken, I found that I had many similarities to a third culture kid, even though I am not one by definition.

In short the book defines a third culture kid (TCK) as

a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture may be assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.

As I was reading, I discovered a lot about myself and tried to discern why I felt strangely connected to TCK’s. Was it because I travelled a lot as a child and experienced different cultures and subcultures? Was it the subculture of conservative Mennonites, which I came out of that made me feel as if I was a TCK? Or was I just imagining how my children will feel growing up as true TCK’s? All-in-all, I don’t know if it was one of those factors or all of them mixed together, but I was able to strongly identify with the thoughts and feelings the book portrayed as natural to a TCK.

The authors of this book wanted to have an overview of all types of TCK’s. This included those who are TCK’s through adoption, or those who grow up in a subculture that is significantly different than the main culture of their passport country. I think it is very important that they took these factors and others into consideration.

Some points that I found especially useful in the book are as follows:

•          TCK’s can all identify with one another, despite the differences in the culture they grew up. Most TCK’s identify with the feeling of never quite fitting in to their passport culture, but also never fitting into the culture they live in. They are between worlds, and that is what they have in common.
•          When a TCK enters a new culture, it is important that they have a mentor who can show them how to operate well in the new place.
•          It is important to allow a TCK to grieve the loss of their old culture when they move to a new place. As a parent, one can comfort the child and even share their own sadness about leaving, which validates the child’s grief and shows them it is okay to grieve.
•          TCK’s can often seem unpatriotic or arrogant to their fellow citizens. This is because they often have been able to interact with people of more cultures and have a different worldview. They may feel torn between loyalties to their passport country and their country of residence.
•          Parents must allow and help facilitate children to learn at least one language deeply enough to think in that language.
•          Children need to come to a place where they understand who God is on their own, and not because they have been in a culture that tells them how to think about God.

 This book was very useful and I would have to say that the only qualm I had with it was that it began to get repetitive after the 5^th or 6^th chapter. I felt as if the authors did not have new insights, and I started to get bored with it. This is not to say that the entire book after those chapters was a draw, but I felt as if they could have been condensed.

I would recommend this book to any child of an expatriate and to parents raising their kids in a country that is not their passport country. As a soon to be parent of TCK’s, I found the information to be very useful. I also gained a lot of insight into the things my children will be thinking and feeling simply because they are growing up in a culture that is separate from their passport country. 

Aliya

Lessons I Have Been Learning: Spiritual Vitality

We have been going through some training for our future ministry. One of the very first sessions was on spiritual vitality. I cannot think of a better time to learn about spiritual vitality than when I am feeling drained, tired, worn out, and sad. Yet, going into ministry, this is a time that I need to be vital because the devil is prowling around, waiting for a chance to get a hold of my life.

1 Peter 5:8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

In any type of ministry, cross-cultural or otherwise, it is easy to end up at a place that is less than vital in our spiritual life. Usually, it sneaks up on us too. It starts with thoughts like these: “I am doing okay. In fact, I think I’m doing great. No one has convicted me of a catastrophic sin lately. I am consistently feeling as if I am in tune with God. I am at a point where I think I can take on the world for the sake of Jesus name.”

And then it hits me. Maybe it starts with pride. Maybe it starts with boredom. Maybe it starts with anger. Maybe it starts because I’m tired. But when it hits me, I am far past just one of those things. Usually, by the time I feel spiritually and emotionally drained, I feel all or more of those things at once. I wasn’t on guard, so one at time they slithered into my life. They climbed into my home, and my emotions, and my spiritual life, wrapping those creeping tentacles around my soul.

And then they squeeze. They squeeze everything good out of my life. It oozes out at first, in my angry interactions with my husband. Then it explodes, and I crash in exhaustion. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be anywhere. I feel useless. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I feel as if I have nothing left to give, because I have allowed the devil to gain a foothold in my life.

Then I allowed him more, and more, and before I knew it, it seemed as if it was too late. But as you may know, that is not the end of the story, because God heals and restores. While this is important to know, it is not the main point of this post, albeit it is a very important point.

Instead, I am writing to identify what we can do before that creeping happens. How can we be on our guard against being spiritually and emotionally drained?

First, we must know what it means to be spiritually vital. In our training, we have learned that spiritual vitality takes two things. It takes 1) knowing the Spirit is with you, and 2) living it out.

Galations 5:25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

“Our activity for God can only properly flow from a life with God.” Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero

Second, we must know how to identify why a lack of spiritual vitality happens so we can combat it, before it seeps into our lives.

In our training, they gave us this acronym to help identify warning signs of low spiritual vitality (I have added my descriptions to them to make them easier to understand):

Hungry – are you hungry for God? Are you hungry for something else? What are you yearning for?

Angry – Do you find yourself getting angry easily? Maybe at others? Maybe even at God?

Lonely – Are you consistently feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people?

Tired – Are you physically or spiritually tired? What about both?

Sad – Are you sad? Maybe just consistently low. Maybe even to the point of depression or suicide?

Bored – Are you bored? Do you find that your life should be about more then what you are doing now? Where are you seeking excitement? Is it in sin?

Scared – Do you find yourself overly fearful of the future? Are you not resting in God’s protective hand over your life?

When I saw this list I was shocked that I identified with 5 of them. There are only 7 and I was feeling 5 of them! I thought I was doing alright. My pride was telling me that I was just fine, and I was as vital as ever. But I wasn’t. I had come to the point of being okay with where I was. But I wasn’t okay. I was hungry for the wrong things, I was angry, I was lonely, I was tired, I was sad. I realized that I have so much more growing to do.

But now I was stuck. I didn’t know how to come to a place of being close to God, and vibrant in my ministry because of that. I had listened to my heart, and I didn’t know how to get out of that habit.

“Don’t listen to your heart, preach to it.” Tim Keller

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

So we come to the third way we can be on our guard and move to a place of renewal. We must understand best practices towards moving back to spiritual vitality when we are at that place of being drained.

As I don’t consider myself an expert on this matter, I will have to speak from personal experience. The important thing to remember is that God created everyone unique, and so what works for me may need to be tweaked, or be completely different for you. Ask yourself: What are some things I have done in the past to move back toward spiritual vitality? What are some things I can do now?

For me I have narrowed it down to three things.

1. Get in the word.

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

To help focus my reading and meditating I can ask: What is the theology I am living out? Who do I believe God is? What is my relationship to Him? As a reminder, I can go back to a time when I saw God’s faithfulness. Reflect on a past journal, ask God to remind me of a scripture showing His faithfulness.

2. Find prayer warriors to pray for me and with me.

Let people know that I am struggling. Ask them to pray that I would be renewed and refreshed. Surround myself with people who can help me identify a lack of spiritual vitality, and those who will also go before the Father with me, and on my behalf.

John 15:7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

3. Identify that there is hope.

This third one is important to me because when I am not spiritually vital, I often find myself with little hope. Sometimes, God renews my hope by bringing a song or a hymn to mind. Other times, God directs me to a passage of scripture that has given me hope in the past. One scripture that has been especially helpful to me is one that I will leave you with today. In all of this, I want you to remember that God wants us to be close to Him, but we have to do our part in drawing near to Him.

Aliya

As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 42:1-8